Zakaj moški ne znajo poslušati
Podnaslov: Razlike med moškimi in ženskami
Bistvo: Kako uspeti v zakonu (… How to really get along)
Pozor: Bistvenih je vseh pet točk!
Našel sem odličen tekst, ki pojasnjuje bistvo, v čem so moški drugačni od žensk.
Zadeva je v angleščini. A če kdo ne razume angleško, bo lahko vsebino absorbiral
na podlagi debate, ki bo sledila. Če sploh bo…
…namreč, “ali je temu sploh potrebno še kaj dodati?” :)))))
~~~~~~~
Conventional wisdom says communicating with a husband is like talking to a
fence post. In an article we first published in 1990, regular contributor
Kevin A. Miller contends that men are actually quite adept at listening.
It’s just that they do it in a manly sort of way. Miller’s article appears
here as part of the MP Classics series.
Several years into married life, I began to notice something. My wife would
say something innocuous like, “Be sure to come home on time tonight, we’re
going to the Reillys’ house for dinner.”
“We are?” I’d ask, dumbfounded. “You never told me we were going.”
“Oh yes,” Karen would say. “We talked about it last week. Remember?”
No, I did not remember. Either I needed a hearing aid, or my wife was a
pathological liar. Neither option appealed to me.
I began to wonder why I didn’t catch everything Karen said to me. Was I
simply a bad listener? Were other husbands any better?
Now I admit that for most men, listening is not a top-rated hobby–unlike,
say, improving your racquetball serve or going to Bears games. Men admire
coaches and corporate executives more than hair stylists and
psychotherapists for one simple reason: Coaches and business executives
dictate. They get things done. Most men would rather be Top Gun than Top Ear.
Yet women, certain ones of whom we have to live with, seem to want to be
listened to. And they don’t think we men always do a good job of it.
I decided to find out why.
Turning to serious periodicals didn’t encourage me. One study, documented in
Psychology Today, found that men interrupt women far more often than the
other way around. So I surveyed a dozen of my friends. “Be honest,” I said.
“Who is the better listener: you or your spouse?” By a four-to-one margin,
the husbands said their wives were better listeners. “My wife never drives
me crazy when I’m talking,” said one guy, “but I’m sure I drive her crazy.”
Ouch.
I was ready to admit there might be a problem. But why?
The husbands I talked to offered a number of reasons.
Reason No. 1. “I’m tired, and talking doesn’t relax me.”
Listening looks simple. All you have to do is sit there, right? You don’t
even have to turn off the TV. You can even have a snack while you’re doing it.
Wrong. Listening requires intense effort. It takes concentration, mental
energy, freedom from distractions. In other words, it’s like . . . work.
Yet in marriage, most listening is done at the end of the day, when neither
husband nor wife can muster the mental energy of a coffee stain.
Further, most marital listening is done at Home Sweet Distraction. There are
kids, phone calls, ESPN, wallpaper projects and bills. The old adage proves
true: “You can’t do two things at once if one of them is listening.”
Given this tiredness and abundance of distractions, husband after husband
confessed to me: “When I come home from work, I’m fatigued. My mind is
occupied with work, home-maintenance projects or something I’ve just read.
I need my own space.”
Women, as well, end the day exhausted. Yet only a few of the wives I talked
with complained of fatigue as a hindrance to listening. Why?
In general, it seems, more women than men find talking and listening a
relaxing way to end the day. Really. And there’s a survey to back it up.
The Roper Organization asked 2,000 adults how they relaxed. Nearly half
(42%) of the women said “calling a friend” was relaxing, but only about
one-fourth (27%) of the men said the same.
For many wives, talking to their spouses is a boost following a hard day.
But to many husbands, talking is a drain. The key, then, is finding an
activity both spouses feel is relaxing (and free of distractions).
“My husband and I have started going to lunch together as often as we can,”
one woman told me. “No kids, no phones, no TV–just us. And we talk about
everything there.” Husbands spoke approvingly of talking with their wives on
long walks or during trips for ice cream.
Reason No. 2. “If we have to talk about it, something must be wrong.”
It’s not unusual for a husband to operate on the
“if-it-ain’t-broke-don’t-fix-it” assumption. If our marriage (or child or
financial situation) is fine, there’s no need to talk about it.
A wife, meanwhile, may wonder in frustration, “Why can’t we talk about the
most basic and important areas of our marriage? Something must be terribly wrong.”
“To many women, the relationship is working as long as they can talk things
out,” explains Deborah Tannen, author of That’s Not What I Meant! (William
Morrow). “But to many men, the relationship isn’t working if they have to
continue talking it over.”
Bob Berkowitz, host of the nightly talk program “Focus,” comments: “A
woman’s ability to discuss sensitive subjects, while at times painful to
her, is a way to deal with reality.” But men may prefer golden silence as
their way to deal with reality.
A husband’s inexplicable inattention, therefore, may stem from his idea that
discussing something (possible translation: having to discuss something)
means there’s a problem with it. Otherwise, why would his wife say, “We have
to talk about this”? And who wants to admit there’s a problem with his
marriage, his kids or his ability to provide for his family?
Simply being aware of this key difference can help. When a wife brings up a
topic, rather than pulling into a sort of mental turtle shell, a husband can
say to himself: “She isn’t nagging. Yes, she has said this over and over,
but maybe that’s because she likes relationships where you can actually talk
back and forth about things.”
A wife, for her part, might cushion the blow of her conversation-starters
with “Can I talk with you about our trip next weekend? There’s no big
problem, but I just wanted to hear what you think about this.” A phrase such
as “there’s no big problem” signals to men that this is safe conversational territory.
Reason No. 3. “If that’s the problem, why don’t you just solve it this way?”
A third listening block looms when wives mention problems they are facing,
rather than issues of concern to both spouses. Call us crazy, but husbands
often assume that when our wives bring up a problem, they want a solution.
Au contraire.
What do women really want when they share a problem? Listen to these
complaints I heard from various women:
“It makes it seem worse to hear my husband try to ‘solve’ my problem. I want
him to listen and be supportive.”
“What drives me crazy is him telling me how or why to do something, instead
of just listening. I’m not always asking for advice, but that’s what I get.”
The reality: Most women bring up a problem not so much to get a solution as
to get support. They don’t want answers, they want affirmation.
That’s fine, but to many husbands that doesn’t make much sense. At work when
the boss says, “The department is overspending the budget,” theappropriate
response is not, “I feel for you, but you’re a smart and talent ed person and
I’m confident you’ll work it out.” Rather, a man had better come up with a
solution, and quick.
At home, many of us husbands continue this solution-offering practice that
gets rewarded everywhere else. So when our wives tell us, “The kids are
driving me crazy,” we quickly suggest, “Don’t give in to their demands,” or
“Separate them more!”
Often, what wives really need, however, is for husbands to simply stay
quiet, let them get it out and then affirm them. The correct response to
“the kids are driving me crazy” may be a period of silence followed by,
“Sounds like you’re frustrated right now. But you know, you’re still a great morn.”
Wives can help by giving husbands clues about what they want: “I’m not sure
I need an immediate solution to this situation, but could you help me think
though the issues involved?”
Reason No. 4. “That’s not my department.”
My friend Rod told me about the time he and Cindy were packing to move from
Australia back to the United States. Cindy told him, “Rod, don’t pack this
one pair of shoes with the others. Keep them out because I’ll need to wear
them while we travel.” Rod said okay. The next day, after everything had
been shipped, Cindy asked Rod where her shoes were. You guessed it: They
were already on their way to America.
Why does nearly every marriage have stories like this? Is it true, as one
woman said, “Men listen, but only half of it sinks in” ?
The better explanation, supported by some experts, is that people listen
selectively, and when something is not their “department” they tend to tune
it out. Cindy’s shoes, for example, were not Rod’s department, so he didn’t
pay full attention to her instructions.
Or a husband may consider the family finances his bailiwick. Thus, he will
listen intently to his wife’s account of what she paid for the kids’school
clothes. The same husband, however, may feel that the selection of t hose
clothes is not his department, so he listens only halfheartedly to tales of
mall hordes, or the difficulty of choosing between Guess? and Esprit.
Over time, most couples learn which sectors each spouse lays claim to. And
the other person will listen better when the topic at hand can be related to
his or her department. The husband bored with descriptions of denims may
listen more carefully if he hears that they relate to areas he cares about,
such as his daughter’s dating life.
Reason No. 5. “Tell me what you want, don’t just hint at it.”
Bob Berkowitz tells the story of Debbie, a woman who needed to tell her
husband about things that were bugging her. While they were driving down a
Los Angeles freeway, she popped a Billy Joel cassette into the car stereo
because the lyrics to one of the songs perfectly expressed how she was feeling.
Her husband didn’t get the message.
When a husband seems like he’s not listening, it may be that he simply
failed to pick up on a hint that his wife dropped. Men have a bias in favor
of clear instruction and quick action. They want to know, “So what are we
going to do about all this?”
It’s a revolutionary idea, but in most cases husbands listen better when
their wives come right out and tell them things. Men admire coaches more
than diplomats because coaches tell it straight. Says one husband: “I want
to know what the bottom line is, not necessarily all the details that led up
to it.”
So men do listen. We may not listen like women do–or like women would like
us to. We may not always look like we’re listening. But in our own quiet way,
we’re paying attention.
Well, usually. Sometimes we’re wondering where we can get the best deal on Bears tickets.
~~~~~~~
Title: Are men bad listeners?
Source: Marriage Partnership, Winter95, Vol. 12 Issue 4, p46, 4p, 1bw
Author(s): Miller, Kevin A.
AN: 9512120122
ISSN: 0897-5469
http://ehostvgw18.epnet.com/fulltext.asp?resultSetId=R00000001&hitNum=11&booleanTerm=concentration%20mental&fuzzyTerm=#FullText
B kompleks …. s svojim tekstom, si pa res zadel(a) bistvo … Moškim se res kaj tako dolgega ne da poslušati (brati)… mislim, da ženske tudi niso nič drugačne….
Za razumevanje enih takih svari, rabiš novo baterijo in branje pod “kovtrom” tako kot smo delali v mladih letih …, ko smo prebral vse Vinetuje, zdej pa sedimo pred televizorji in preklapjamo programe in z ničemer nismo zadovoljni ..
xy .. no sam en uvid v zadevo ……
Andrej
No ja, prebral…. poslušat ženske … hm, tud če so tiho ni problem, se marsikaj sliši, vendar velja za oba .. potrebno se je pogovarjat. Ni nujno, da v prvem dojame(m) bistvo, saj ni (nisem) čarovnik, sem(je) samo človek, z lastno pametjo, željami, navadami, zgodovino itd. in nič ni absolutno. Sploh ne vem, zakaj nam vsi vsiljujejo, da smo moški in ženske takooo različni, res pa je, da čez čas okolje naredi svoje … .
Me veseli, da je vsaj nekdo tole prebral. 😉 Jaz bi rekel, da sicer lahko ugotavljamo, zakaj so moški in ženske različni – koliko je to zaradi okolja, koliko zaradi vzgoje in podobnega (s skupnim imenom, koliko je odvisno od kulture), vendar razlike pač so.
Ni se težko strinjati, potrebno je čim več komunicirati (kar ne vključuje zgolj globokih dialogov), članek z opozarjanjem na bistvene razlike med spoloma daje prav za komunikacijo odlične napotke. Učimo se, dokler živimo.
Predvsem se mi zdi škoda delati povzetek, ker se mi kot prvo članek ne zdi tako obupno dolg in kot drugo, napisan je res odlično. Če ga želiš prebrati na hitro, lahko narediš tudi takole: preberi si začetek pri vsaki od petih točk, potem pa skoči na naslednjo točko. Vtis si boš na ta način že lahko ustvarila. In če bo vtis dober, si ob priložnosti vzameš čas ter prebereš vse.
Preletela sem… prebrala točke…
Ne vem, že ženske med seboj smo zelo različne. Npr. sama sem včasih nagnjena k temu, da poskušam, ko mi kaka prijateljica kaj pripoveduje in še zraven joče, pomagati tako, da ji kaj predlagam. Potem se spomnim, da ni to bistvo. Potem preklopim in poskušam le kaj vprašati, da bolje razumem, kaj se z njo dogaja. In “čudež”..s tem, ko pripoveduje, sama najde rešitev, ali pa se vsaj umiri.
Sama nisem ravno gostobesedna v “domačem” okolju. Torej v družini, partnerstvu. V smislu, da se mi ne da nalagat brezveznosti. Povem bistveno. Glede poslušanja… pa je tako. Včasih me je to zelo motilo, ko sem videla da me kdo ne posluša pozorno… S časom pa manj. Tudi zato, ker je poslušanje res naporno. Vsaj zame.
Če hočeš res pozorno poslušat in slišat, je naporno.
Zakaj bi govorili o zadevah, ki štimajo?
Zato, ker partnerja povezuje v intimnost ko reče:… “ob tebi se počutim razumljeno -ega, varno-ega, svobodno-ega… hvala ti za to.”
Morda še kaj..
Pa še nekaj.
Sama sem morda bliže “moškemu” razmišljanju. V smislu, da se mi ne da biti pozorna na stvari, ki niso jasno izražene…. rabim, da mi kdo dobesedno pove, kaj hoče od mene. Pošiljanje raznih “skritih sporočil”… dvoumnih besed, namigovanj, medvrstičnih vsebin… naporno.. Sploh pa je zelo pomembno, da je komunikacija jasna. Ko oseba ve, kaj hoče, potem je to lažje. Ko pa ne ve(mo), potem lahko pričakujemo, da bo prišlo do nesporazumov, nepotrebnih dramatiziranj…
In sama se trudim, da ko hočem povedati npr. kaj, kar me zeloooo moti ali boli, da si pridem na jasno že prej… Zelo pomembno je biti direkten. In mislim, da je nasplošno to bolj “moška” lastnost.
Jps… nekak, se sučemo okoli bistva, kot mačka okoli vrele kaše. Priznam… Vseskozi hočem nekaj povedati, pa potem ni to, kaj se šele dogaja na drugi strani.. ko si ves čas mislim, da me razumejo, potem pa presenečenje … hi….
No ja, poizkusmo … mogoče nam bo celo uspel … Sicer pa, kar je za mene dobro, ni zate, in kar je zate ni zame in ni včasih kar je zame niti ni zame, sploh jutri, ker ni danes … . Počasi …. pri hrani sem se še navadil, nisem nikoli porinil celega krožnika juhe v usta, temveč počasi z žlico …. .
Zdaj bo potrebno ugotovit še to ali je juha prevroča, potem ali je žlica taprava ali si nisem preveč nadeval na krožnik … hi … .
Predvsem, velik zabave pri tem …
Dan B kompleks! Njej ne pomaga noben članek. Zoprna mi je. Pa veš zakaj? Zato, ker za seboj ne pušča trupel, ampak samo lažje ranjene…. Tako je nekoč komentirala svoje ljubezensko življenje. No in…in zato je ostala kar lepo sama…neporočena. Mnenja sem, da moški znate prav dobro poslušati, če želite. Včasih kaj preslišite, kdo pa ne…? Tvoj tekst je dolg in sem se komaj prebila skozenj, priznam. Mar tudi govoriš tako, kot pišeš? Potem bi jaz pri tebi že omedlela…
Lep dan, pa brez zamere! Imaš zanimiv nik. Mi pa ni jasno, kaj pomeni! Priznam, no!
Angel*